From the start, I dislike it due to the formatting. Never write Introductory, Body, Conclusion. It's one essay, not an executive summary. In your introduction, you do not have a clear thesis. Although "Yay! And the..." may seem witty, it comes off more as silly. I actually like the first sentence of your second paragraph "For as long...before academics." as a better thesis. Remember that your introduction introduces your essay.
I would give your examples through a third person narrative. You want to approach your argument from an unbiased perspective and that means not say "I believe". Yes, we understand that this is your viewpoint, you're the person writing this essay, right? :P
In your body paragraphs, all I can say is make your ideas more consise and then explain why they are relivant. You may need to get some better examples. Why are these examples important? Why should the reader care? Don't use trigger words like "many" or "a lot", but rather give exact examples and numbers.
With the conclusion, whoever taught you that it OK to start a sentence with "But"?! Your English teacher should know better than that. :P
If I were you, I would proof read your work. There are a few grammatical errors that need to be fixed and some things that should be reworded.
Hope that was of some help to you! :)
